Contradictions

You brushed aside my extended hand.

Casually. Unintentionally. Confidently.

With a gentle wave of those five fingers that I loved. You didn’t see the many worlds my mind travelled to in those seconds of silence that followed.

Broken glass pieces that I walked across. Despite major internal struggles, to not relive those moments of anxiety again, I took the painful steps forward. You were not responsible for the history of unresolved emotions I had collected. You were only responsible for the ones you and I brought into existence. Mostly ones of warmth and comfort. But I was a fool. I traversed those roads and cut my barely healed feet. I reopened the scars I had convinced myself were only part of the decoration.

You wouldn’t believe me if I told you – it’s been done before. In the same regal, nonchalant manner you conducted yourself in. Or was it just an excuse?

A shield for my mind to punish my heart and retreat a few thousand steps. For me to say, “I knew it, you foolish foolish heart. You never listen.”

I didn’t want to listen to my calm, logical mind anymore. I was tired of protecting. Nothing miraculous was happening within my fortress. I wanted more.

The friends of the past lingered too close.

Taunting. Saving. Reminding. Ruining. Protecting.

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Breakups have always been hard. But I was recently thinking about it and I realised the digital world has multiplied the problems. Earlier it was an occasional memory that would pop up unannounced; a stray letter would land up as a bookmark; a photo found while cleaning under the mattress. Even then, these could be handled and tucked away into the dark corners of the loft. The digital world, fortunately or unfortunately, has complicated life. You not only have to put away physical memories but you have to distance yourself virtually. There is Facebook, Twitter, Blogs, Instagram, Whatsapp, BBM to name a few. This means there is more than one way a memory, an instance or their very presence sneaks up on you. To ensure sanity, you need to use the very tools that allowed you to know them intimately and thoroughly to place comfortable distance. It is a tough job and requires one to painstakingly go remove digital footprints. Additionally, one can track most of these unfollows and blocks. It makes the pain that much more brutal and repetitive. It is in effect a gnawing feeling that prevents healing.

Or maybe only I feel this way.

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Declutter the mind,

let go of baggage,

restrict the emotions,

rid self of subjectivity.

 

I ask this of myself

and of you,

knowing fully well

it might not come through.

 

For these are too much to ask

for you, me or anyone around.

For objectivity is tough to come by.

Old habits fight hard.

 

Opinions overcome all.

Yet, I ask of you and me,

declutter this mind,

lighten this heart.

 

Let go of despair, regret, pain,

all the other baggage,

we carry forward,

time and again.