A letter to my struggling self

Dear part of me that struggles,

Times are difficult again, huh? I understand. We have been here before. The place where everything feels better when we are numb. Sleep is elusive because it causes triggers that you can control while awake. But we need to sleep don’t we? So sleep a little today.

I can imagine the urge to stay in bed and wallow. I even know that deep down you wish tomorrow wouldn’t come. The body aches, the complete lack of focus, the constant triggered anxious state. I know how it feels. It is a painful process that you have to live through. Your wish for it to end will have to live its course. You will have to walk yourself through this pain. Hold your own hand. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself the heartbreak.

What you are going through isn’t easy. You’re forced to give up something close to your heart. Something you hadn’t prepared yourself for. Let us be honest. You told yourself it would end. But you thought you would be prepared. But you didn’t think it would be easy? Don’t lie. You knew it would feel terrible. Just not this terrible. Just not for this long.

These days, the world feels like it has come to a stand still. It feels like good doesn’t exist. Like everything you do doesn’t feel happy enough. The flutters don’t last long. The pain and the urge to escape is just around the corner. Yes. But the only truth you have to know is, it is okay. It is okay to feel a contradiction of all these things. To want to sleep but be scared to fall asleep. To want to reach out but know it will blow up in your face. To talk but question what could possibly change with a conversation. It is okay.

I thought I would write to you cause I know you and me will be travelling together for a while. Perhaps you and me will travel together for eternity. I know with the kind of person I am, I take on pain and struggle. But this isn’t a romanticised view of me. This is just to say, we need to co-exist. And I need you to know, other parts of you are around the corner. You aren’t just this struggle.

Be patient with yourself. Don’t let the lack of movement eat into you. Eat chocolate if you need to. Stay in bed if you want to. Don’t respond to anyone if you cannot.

Love yourself in these moments as much as your highs. It is crucial.

I am around.

Now and always.
The other pieces of you  

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The sun got ready to call it a day.

The colours of the sky changed, slowly.

Simultaneously, I witnessed the mode, tone and pace of my life morph.

I watched intently; I didn’t stop the transformation.

For once a truth is accepted or made visible ,

I couldn’t refute its reality.

I couldn’t return to blissful oblivion.

That clearly wasn’t me.

The sun gone. Darkness had set in; the stars came out.

I was left to deal with my truths.

I can’t live in denial,

Or pretend I’m not made of imperfections.

But perfection is a myth. I wont endorse.

Options lie in front of me. My instincts I trust.

It isn’t the problem or even a problem.

This learn I must.

It is being comfortable with my being;

The motions, the sounds, the sights it needs.

For I didn’t see till then,

I was questioning to problematise me.

But that wouldn’t do.

I needed to accept, embrace and be.

I see, now.

The process is slow and difficult.

I need to retreat to the depths of me to simply listen and heed.