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A heaviness settled in. I couldn’t explain it to him. I surrendered and claimed desperately, “I feel uneasy.” His advice poured in. I listened for a few moments and then drifted deeper into this heaviness I bore. He didn’t get it. There was no other way to explain myself, I reasoned. I felt exhausted imagining the hours of conversation to explain this. Would it be useful? Would he get it? I couldn’t imagine a positive result. Earlier, I didn’t bother explaining it. I made excuses, I chose to not embrace it. Now, I was face-to-face with my inability to lie or wriggle my way out. But the mountain awaiting me was treacherous and steep. I had to take it step by step. I couldn’t avoid it forever. I doubt that without trying to explain, I will ever be able to convey my emotions. So I must try; even if I fail doing so.

“I feel heavy and I can’t do it,” I managed. I got a raised eyebrow and a confused expression as a response. Today, he didn’t get it. Tomorrow, I must will myself to try again.