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He had always been a private person. He restricted intimate details to a few friends. He found that being vulnerable all the time was exhausting; he wished to protect his heart more. When he felt threatened by the world, the people in his vicinity, he raised impenetrable walls. He locked himself in fear from the piercing judgment of others. He envied those who are able to flaunt their happiness as openly as their pain. He sheltered the latter from scrutiny. Hence, in moments of anxiety, anger and sorrow, he relied on his well oiled redress system. It involved many hours of solitude with jazz music in the background. The soothing music led to intense retrospection and introspection which eventually led to acceptance of the duality in his personality. But his facade of being calm, composed and sober betrayed him. No one was willing to accept the struggles he fought within those walls. He rejected their analysis as he knew himself well. Well enough to understand the depths of his emotions. He refrained from blatantly refuting the contradictions and swallowed his unease. This pattern led to his companions never learning of his inner turmoil. It was the result of years of never publicly showing his exasperation or his emotions. It was all his doing. Though this notion made him restless, it also thickened the walls of his self-imposed prison cell.

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