I dug around for a dictionary. Why was I told I needed it so often? I flipped the pages till I came to ‘clo’. The dictionary defined closure as: The thing that closes or seals something. I thought to myself, a definite ending is never a given right? Things could change over time. Endings could be restarted; it has happened before. Even to me. Then what was so special about closure? Did I merely have to fool my mind into pretense? If I already knew it was pretense, how do I pull off a successful fake?
I walked out of my house for a stroll. I thought I would go to the beach nearby. The sound of the crashing waves and the sight of the endless waters made me feel small and insignificant. In a pleasant way. It seemed to fill me with faith. I haven’t spent enough time analysing why it is so. The beach was a short walk from my house and easily accessible. The beaches in Bombay have always been full of activity and people. Couples cuddling, vendors selling food, families enjoying the sand and water. I loved the expanse of human emotion one encountered. Occasionally, I would see a fellow wanderer with a similar look of calm on his/her face. Somehow, just the knowledge that I was not alone made me smile.
I sat on a pile of rocks as I stared into the sea. The sound of the waves combined with the smell of the sea drowned out the other noises. It submitted to my wandering thoughts. Was it only denial? I could give myself the closure I needed; then why was I holding on? Was I scared? Just scared to accept the truth in its entirety, I guess. Funny as it seems, I knew all this subconsciously. Yet, a tiny part of me was not willing to accept it. It was still connected to the past and the very same piece of me needed these thoughts to be articulated.
It wasn’t a new place I found myself in. It was a space that was neither in the past nor here in the moment; I was merely lost in my own selfish experiences. Maybe acceptance would eventually lead to closure. Currently, I set myself on the path from fear to acceptance. If I rated myself, I wouldn’t be too far from fear. Maybe, I could will it to change.