In my heart I knew that she didn’t see the sense I was making. She was adamant and her words could have been engraved in stone. She didn’t want to be married. Not to me, not now. Somewhere in my heart I was sure that she would say no. But I felt, dreamt, hoped that she would reconsider. When she returned home that night, her eyes gave it away. Well, at least we didn’t need to have a long conversation.
“No, K. I cannot begin to imagine a marriage again. I thought you were aware of that,” she said. “Don’t curse me for wanting more Jay. I was just giving it a shot,” I replied.
“I can vacate this house early this weekend,” she said. “So it is all or nothing?” I asked.
“Knowledge that you are looking for more and I am not makes this relationship unfair. The rhythm we had is disrupted and I wish to not force you to stay unmarried. We have to go our separate ways,” she said.
She packed a night bag. I assumed she would be heading over to Tee’s house. I wanted to hug her, kiss her and say a proper goodbye but she wore her best strong face. I didn’t want this to become anymore ugly than it already had.
I don’t think I should feel guilty for wanting more. But in that moment I did. She shouldn’t feel obliged to conform to my wants. I respected her decision. But I couldn’t help but wonder what this new phase in my life would be like. Without her and without the safe space we had created.