Sometimes she looked closely at her own life to observe her actions and reactions. She found that over time she developed a behavioural pattern. It was one that led her to similar situations interacting with a range of similar people. She was forced to think if there was something in her response that needed to change. Else, she wouldn’t be attracting these forces. If indeed, this logic holds true, what did she need to change.
With these thoughts in her mind, she walked down a familiar street in her neighbourhood. Memories of incidents that had taken place on that street raced through her mind. The street light, the footpath, the fall, the ankle, even the dustbin at the end of the road, all reminded her of the past. She was surprised as she had thought that many of those memories would just be blurred by now. But on the contrary, it felt close.
However, she didn’t consider physical similarities in her experiences to her emotional experiences. Somehow the two seemed better understood once kept apart. But could she really judge an experience without considering the location? The more intimate kind of emotional experiences made this very challenging and she was a pretty emotional person. Her heart doing most of the weight lifting. Her instincts were a huge part of her decisions; though she ignored them as often as she listened to them. Later, often finding herself in a situation which was kick worthy. When she described this feeling to others, few understood. Some told her, she was overreacting. Others that this too shall pass. The best kind were those who didn’t see the problem at all. Not that again, she would feel and dismiss it. Eventually, she resigned herself to the feeling that nobody understood and stopped complaining.
To her fortune in the later lost years, serendipity guided her to a female writer whose thoughts resounded with hers. She ached for more and binge reading was a given. In her words, she had found reason, sanity and acceptance. She didn’t try to explain it to anyone, anymore. At the least, she understood the webs she weaved. Intricate and complicated.
But the acceptance kept her going. Because for always, she will have the books to turn to.