Some days I have wonderful knowledge of my thoughts, my actions and my feelings. Some others I am wandering lost within my own head. The ability to understand myself has grown through bad experiences, of course. She, on the other hand, is nothing like that. I have seen her react with such grace. She bounces back after every fall and her emotions are skillfully hidden behind her veil. She perpetually masked her feelings. Even while we watched a romantic comedy, her face would just wear a smile. The tears never emerged. In fact, I was yet to see her cry or throw a tantrum in our 9 years of being together.
I once confronted her in anger and called her unbearably cold. She responded patiently that it has taken years of training to withhold her expressions. She was okay with me leaving but her ways were set in stone. “Selfish or not, this is what suits me,” she said. I couldn’t get her words out of my head. I wondered what made her close the world out. Her behaviour steadily kept me at an arm’s length away from her emotions. For the most part, it worked for us. Though I felt she was remote and sometimes even inaccessible.
As individuals, we managed just fine. In our relationship, we don’t fit. When I mentioned it to her, she dismissed it and said, “Where is the fun in boxes, Abhinav? Or even stereotypes?”
What I withheld was the difficulty I faced in living with her. However, I wasn’t ready to face the possibility of living without her.